a new week……

So, last week was really bad for me. Mostly at work. I really wanted to quit and find another job. This week was a lot better. I’m not the type of person to let other people get the better of me so I’m trying as hard as I can to go with the flow and see what happens. I’m not a big job hopper. My last few jobs I lost because the company had layoffs. Not because I just quit.

Also, I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I’m trying to think about things more and not act so impulsively. Trying to be a practical adult.
My main concern for this year is to get pregnant. I love my daughter with all that I have but I’d love it if I could give her a little brother or sister. Not just for her sake but for mine as well. I’m the youngest of four and I know what it’s like to grow up with siblings. I want my daughter to have the same childhood I did. With someone around to play with or argue with or get into trouble with. I’m hoping against hope that I can make that happen. My first pregnancy was good but it was short-my daughter was born 9 weeks early. Also, I had to have an iui just to get pregnant. I got lucky, because the first time it was done I got pregnant. So far, I’ve been trying the old fashioned way for almost a year now and I’m not having any success. I have to wait a couple months until my insurance kicks in and then I might have to see the doctor about having an iui again.

My problem is, I have pcos which basically means that I don’t ovulate or menstruate normally. It has other symptoms such as weight gain, excessive male hormones-which explains a lot-and basically irregular periods. Normally I don’t get a period unless I’m on the pill. For over a year now I’ve been off the pill and getting a period-actually two-every month. But I’m still not getting pregnant. We’ll see what happens with that.

Also, I’ve just been thinking about people I’ve reconnected with this past year and how well that’s going. Several months ago I ended a long friendship with someone who was basically my best friend. It wasn’t that I stopped caring but for years now we’ve always been in different stages in our lives and never in the same one at the same time. We grew apart and as much as I tried to hold onto that friendship, I knew it was inevitably going to come to an end.

On a good note, ending that friendship gave me more time and energy to devote to other friends that I might not have if I still had this other person in my life. I feel in a way that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel free to be who I want and be friends with who I want to and I don’t feel like I have to hide anything for fear of being judged or criticized.

This year is going to be a good one. At least I hope so. I won’t give up though, no matter how bad things may seem. And hopefully I can one day tell people that I’m pregnant again. In due time I suppose.

why i love thursdays…….

Why? Because at my new job, I only work Monday through Thursday.  So while Thursday is just an ordinary day for most working people, it’s my Friday.  Also, it’s my shortest work day of the week.  So I get out earlier than the rest of the week and I drive home smiling because I know I’ll have three whole days off.

This works out great for me because 1) I have one day I don’t need someone to watch Autumn and 2) I have a free day to spend with her.  Of course, I usually have the day planned and then she acts up and I end up taking her home and that’s the end of our fun day together.  Which is why I’m trying to work on my patience with her.  Not that it’s working yet, but it is still January.

I’m still undecided about this job.  I feel like I should be doing more or being trained to do more.  And then I think, well it’s more money than I was getting paid at my last job.  And this job is full time and my last job was part time.  And I should just be glad I have a job because I know at least 3 people who were just laid off right before xmas.  I’m trying to take it one day at a time and there are days that aren’t too bad and then days that just don’t go well.

It’s only been a few weeks so I guess I should give myself more time to adjust and see how it goes.

But I still love Thursdays.

one ray of light in my dark and dreary week….

With all the bad things that happened this week, there was one good thing.  Well, one good night, I should say.  Friday night we went out wiht some of our friends to celebrate our friend’s birthday.  We went to a Japanese buffet place-I’ve been to Chinese buffets but never Japanese-and then after we went to Witches Brew for coffee.  We don’t normally get out too much so they were very happy that we were able to come out and celebrate and just have a good time.  We were all the way out in Nassau and on the way home took a wrong turn and ended up going into Queens-but that’s a different story.

The food was really good at the Japanese place.  And no, I didn’t gorge myself but I did have a fair sampling of several dishes.  We caught up on what was going on with everyone and then we went to the coffee shop after to just drink coffee, relax and hang out.  And as much as I love coffee, it’s particularly good when it’s about 20 degrees out and you need a quick fix to warm up.

Our friends are getting married on Halloween which was going to be a fun time and they had asked Autumn, our daughter, to be their flower girl.  But during the night my friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I have to say I was really touched.  I’ve known her for a long time.  We had lost touch for several years and then reconnected on myspace and started hanging out again.  After about a year we had a sort of falling out and stopped talking for a while.  Last June, I think, we started talking again and were hopeful about repairing any damages and resuming our friendship where we had left off.  We have since been able to do that and eventhough we don’t see each other as often as we’d like, we still care about each other a lot.

It’s been many years since I’ve been in a wedding party but  I’m excited about being a part of her wedding and I’m excited that she’s getting married because I can look at her and see how happy she is with her soon-to-be husband.  And he is equally as happy and excited about the wedding.

Sometimes it takes seeing another couple so in love to remind you of the feeling you once had when you first met that person that you knew you’d spend the rest of your life with.

I can’t wait for this wedding to happen and I’m so happy to be a part of it.  I guess I was surprised that she thought enough of me to ask me.  And that has to make you feel good.  Especially with all the things that went wrong this week.

when it rains……..

it pours. This is pretty much on a weekly basis for me. I had a not so great week at my new job. Friday I packed Autumn in the car and was on my way to my mom’s house to drop her off so I could go to my hair appointment. Driving down the road, I noticed my temperature gauge was all the way up. I thought, how the hell can that be? And it’s like 20 degrees outside. Doesn’t overheating usually happen in the summer? I tried calling my husband and he didn’t answer his phone so I called my father-in-law and he said, pull over now. I pulled into the nearest gas station and ended up leaving my car there and 24 hours later my car was fixed for a small fee of $450+. Did I have the money for that? NO. But it gets better. In the midst of all this, this morning when we got up it seemed just a bit chilly for inside the house. Turns out the oil burner wasn’t on and after hitting the restart button a few times the burner would go on for a minute and stop. So I had to call the oil company to have them come fix the burner. They said it could be up to a 10 hour wait. Did I mention I also have a 3 year old? Who kept telling me, mommy I’m cold. So my husband left with my daughter while I sat here and waited for the oil company to get here. I even made brownies just as an excuse to have the oven on because it was the only source of heat in the house. After 4 or 5 hours my husband came home with my daughter and then he went downstairs and hit the restart button again and the burner went on and stayed on. After about 10 minutes he said, call the oil company back and cancel the service call. I did and then a little while later he went outside to check the tank and discovered we’re out of oil! This is after we had a delivery on Dec. 31 that filled the whole tank. I’m waiting for something else to go wrong because the weekend isn’t over yet. But, this is my life most of the time.

I really wish I could get solar panels on the house but we have too many trees blocking the sun.

a new year…….

new job and hopefully good things to come. last year was probably one of the top 10 worst years for me ever. after getting laid off 2 weeks before xmas of ‘07, my husband got laid off in january of ‘08. between the two of us, we didn’t have 2 dimes to rub together. the husband soon after found another job but as for myself, i ended up going to school to become a CMA. it was scary as hell considering i dropped out of college after 2 1/2 years and had not taken one class since. after 13 years of not being in school i was very nervous about going to class, taking tests, having to study and basically learn about the one subject i hated in school and did horribly in. yes, science. i was pleasantly surprised though that i went every day and studied my ass off and was the top student in my class. most people say that going back to school in your 30s is different than going to school right out of high school. you’re older, you have more bills to pay and you know how important it is to have a good, steady job. and all those people were right.

anyway……..this is the year i’d also like to lose some more weight and more importantly become pregnant again/have a kid. not easy tasks, considering i have some reproductive issues and can’t just get pregnant like most normal people can. although i’m starting to realize that a lot of pepople i talk to have just as many problems getting pregnant also.

i’m also trying to have more confidence in myself this year and try to be a tad more optimistic, as i am a straight realist and never get my hopes up too high about anything. experience tells me when something seems too good to be true it usually is-at least in my life anyway.

also, i’m going to make an effort to try to see my friends more because i spend most of my time working, doing chores and hanging out with my 3 year old daughter, autumn. not that there’s anything wrong with that but i tend to lose myself in the daily grind and then i get to the point where i want to get in my car and drive off somewhere, just to have some time to hear myself think.

here’s to a new year and hopefully a life that’s a little better than it was before.

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